Written By: Habeebah Abdus-Salaam LSW, CSSW
Conflict with peers is an inevitable part of childhood. Whether it’s disagreements over toys, differences in opinions, or misunderstandings, how children handle these conflicts can significantly impact their emotional development and social relationships. In recent years, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a form of therapy originally developed to treat individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, has proven to be an effective tool for helping children manage peer conflict and regulate their emotions. By teaching children vital skills such as emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness, DBT used in therapy for children offers a structured approach to navigating social challenges and building resilience.
Understanding DBT: A Quick Overview
DBT, developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan in the 1980s, is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) that combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts from Eastern mindfulness practices. While initially designed for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), DBT has expanded to address a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and self-harm. It emphasizes the balance between acceptance and change—helping individuals accept themselves as they are while also working to change maladaptive behaviors.
FoDBT is often adapted into a simplified, age-appropriate form. For children, the core principles are often introduced through fun, engaging exercises that encourage them to practice skills they can understand and use in real-life situations. These skills fall into four key areas: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.
DBT and Peer Conflict: The Connection
Children face a variety of emotional challenges when dealing with peer conflict, including frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even anger. These emotions can sometimes overwhelm them, making it difficult to respond calmly and constructively. Additionally, children are still learning how to navigate complex social dynamics and communicate effectively with their peers, which can exacerbate the conflict.
DBT is particularly effective in addressing these challenges because it provides children with specific tools to manage their emotions, think before acting, and communicate more clearly with others. Let’s break down how DBT skills help children manage peer conflict:
1. Mindfulness: Staying Calm and Focused
One of the foundational elements of DBT is mindfulness—the ability to be fully present and aware of one’s thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. In the context of peer conflict, mindfulness helps children become aware of their emotional responses before they react impulsively. When a child is upset, they might feel a surge of anger or frustration that could lead to a rash response. Mindfulness teaches children to pause and take a moment to reflect, allowing them to assess the situation more clearly.
For example, if two children are arguing over who gets to play with a toy, a child practicing mindfulness might take a deep breath, notice their frustration, and then decide to respond. Instead of reacting immediately with yelling or physical aggression, the child can choose to express their feelings calmly and attempt to resolve the conflict in a more thoughtful way.
2. Distress Tolerance: Navigating Emotional Intensity
Conflict often triggers strong emotional responses in children. The ability to tolerate distress is a crucial skill that helps children avoid impulsive reactions that can escalate situations. In DBT, distress tolerance skills help children manage their emotions in high-pressure situations.
One useful distress tolerance technique involves “TIP,” which stands for temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation. When children feel overwhelmed by anger or anxiety during a conflict, these techniques help them calm down. For instance, a child might be taught to splash their face with cold water (temperature), take slow, deep breaths (paced breathing), or count to ten while tightening and relaxing their muscles (progressive muscle relaxation). These strategies give children tools to use when they feel out of control, empowering them to respond with more patience and consideration.
3. Emotional Regulation: Understanding and Managing Feelings
Emotional regulation is another critical aspect of DBT. Children often struggle with regulating their emotions, which can make peer conflict even more challenging. DBT helps children identify and label their feelings to understand better what they are feeling and why.
For instance, instead of saying, “I’m mad,” DBT encourages children to identify more specific emotions, such as “I’m frustrated” or “I’m upset because I wasn’t heard.” This simple act of identifying emotions helps children gain clarity and reduce the intensity of their feelings, making it easier to manage the situation effectively.
Additionally, DBT teaches children how to express their emotions in a healthy way, such as using “I” statements (“I feel upset when you take my toy”) instead of blaming or accusing others. By promoting clear communication, emotional regulation helps children express their feelings without escalating the conflict.
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicating with Others
One of the most powerful aspects of DBT is its focus on interpersonal effectiveness. Children often struggle with communicating their needs, expressing themselves clearly, and resolving conflicts in a way that is respectful of others. DBT teaches children how to ask for what they need, say no when necessary, and maintain healthy relationships.
For instance, when a child encounters a peer who is bullying them, they might feel helpless or unsure of how to respond. DBT teaches them to communicate their boundaries assertively, say “no” without aggression, and stand up for themselves respectfully. These skills help children approach peer conflict with confidence, reducing the likelihood of feelings of powerlessness or social withdrawal.
The Role of Parents and Therapists in DBT for Children
While DBT is a valuable tool for helping children manage peer conflict, it works best when parents and therapists work together. Parents can reinforce DBT skills at home by encouraging mindfulness, teaching distress tolerance techniques, and supporting emotional regulation. For instance, parents might encourage their child to use breathing exercises when they are upset about a disagreement with a sibling or friend.
Child therapists play an essential role in teaching DBT skills and offering a safe space for children to practice them. By creating a nonjudgmental, supportive environment, therapists help children build confidence in using these skills to navigate real-world conflicts. Regular therapy sessions give children the chance to role-play scenarios, practice new skills, and receive feedback on how they’re applying what they’ve learned.
Conclusion
Conflict is inevitable in the complex world of childhood peer relationships, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Dialectical Behavior Therapy used at DBT of South Jersey offers children valuable tools to manage their emotions, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts in a healthy, constructive way. By integrating DBT into their emotional toolkit, children can develop stronger social skills, greater emotional resilience, and healthier peer relationships that will serve them well throughout their lives. Whether used in individual therapy or as part of a broader therapeutic approach, DBT is a powerful resource for helping children navigate the challenges of growing up in a world full of social dynamics.
Help Your Child Overcome Peer Conflict with Therapy for Children in South Jersey
If your child is struggling with peer conflict, DBT of South Jersey offers compassionate support and proven strategies to help them thrive. Our expert team uses therapy for children in South Jersey to teach essential skills like emotional regulation and healthy communication. Reach out today to give your child the tools they need for stronger, more positive relationships! Follow these three simple steps to get started:
- Contact us to book a free consultation with our intake team
- Meet with one of our skilled child therapists
- Start seeing your child overcome peer conflict!
Additional Services Offered at DBT of South Jersey
At DBT of South Jersey, we provide more than just therapy for children—we foster a supportive environment where kids can heal, build confidence, and strengthen their resilience. Understanding that every family’s journey is different, we go beyond addressing peer conflict in child therapy to offer a wide range of services. From our locations in Voorhees and Moorestown, we care for families and couples, deliver trauma-focused treatment, support OCD recovery, and provide LGBTQIA-affirming therapy. We also offer holistic options like individual Reiki sessions to promote overall well-being. Explore our blog for helpful resources, expert tips, and more about therapy for children and adolescents.
