Have you ever heard the saying “I love my family but don’t always like them?”. Navigating family dynamics is hard, and the holiday season can make it that much more challenging. For those who have experienced trauma, the thought of attending to family obligations while maintaining healthy boundaries can feel a bit overwhelming. Trauma survivors may find themselves caught between the desire to care for loved ones and the need to protect their own well-being. This blog will explore how to establish healthy boundaries, manage family dynamics, and prioritize your own mental health during the holiday season. From the perspective of a trauma therapist, this guide provides helpful strategies to create balance in order to enjoy the holidays the way YOU want to. Read on for actionable tips and discover how trauma therapy in South Jersey can provide additional support during this time.
What Are Boundaries?
In the simplest terms, boundaries are the lines we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. I like to think they are the roadmap to use when navigating relationships. They define how we allow others to treat us, how we interact with others, and what we are willing to accept in relationships. Boundaries allow individuals to maintain self-respect while still receiving meaningful connections from others.
Now, setting boundaries can be a challenging task to do for many people, especially trauma survivors. But why? Past experiences can shape and reinforce boundaries to be extremely flexible or rigid. For example, some people may have learned to put their own needs on the back burner to please others, or they might struggle with a fear of conflict, leading them to avoid setting boundaries altogether. Others might have learned rigid boundaries as a way to protect themselves from past emotional pain. Finding it difficult to connect with others. This may lead to intense feelings of loneliness.
Why Are Boundaries Important for Trauma Survivors?
Trauma can create a confusion of self. Survivors of emotional, physical, or sexual trauma often experience blurred boundaries. This can lead to challenges in relationships, difficulties in setting limits, and a tendency to burn themselves out to meet the demands of others, especially family members.
Increasing interpersonal skills to set boundaries can allow trauma survivors to regain control. Boundary settings can influence how one responds to stress, conflict, and intimacy. This will lead to healthier emotion regulation. By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, survivors can protect their peace, nurture their self-worth, and create space for healthy, fulfilling relationships with others and themselves.
The Struggle with Family Obligations
During the holiday season, it is common to have an increase in family obligations. While for some, family can be a source of love, many people often experience dread. (Yes, it is okay to say you dread spending time with your family!) Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when past trauma is involved. Some common family obligations that trauma survivors may face include:
- Caregiving: Whether it’s caring for aging parents, looking after children, or supporting a sick relative, caregiving can be physically and emotionally demanding. Those who take on the caregiver role may feel guilty for taking time for themselves or may feel obligated to care for others at the expense of their own well-being.
- Emotional Support: Family members may expect emotional support, especially during times of crisis or hardship. However, trauma survivors may struggle to provide this support if they have not yet healed from their own wounds. This can create emotional burnout.
- Family Gatherings and Events: Family events like holidays, birthdays, or weddings may bring up past traumas, triggering feelings of anxiety or discomfort. For survivors, the pressure to attend and participate in these events can be overwhelming.
- Unspoken Expectations: Sometimes, family members have unspoken expectations about roles and behaviors, and it can be difficult to meet these expectations while maintaining personal boundaries.
Balancing these obligations with the need to protect oneself can be tricky. However, change is possible! It is possible to navigate family dynamics in a way that honors your own boundaries and needs while fulfilling your responsibilities.
Strategies for Balancing Boundaries and Family Obligations
1. Self-Awareness: Know Your Limits
The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own limits. As a trauma survivor, it is essential to check in with yourself regularly to assess how you’re feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. Are you feeling overwhelmed, drained, or anxious? Are there specific situations, people, or events that trigger your trauma responses? These questions help to increase mindfulness of self.
Self-awareness allows you to gauge how much you can handle before feeling like your cup is empty. This practice of checking in with yourself can help you make mindful decisions about when to say “yes” or “no” to family obligations. By listening to your body and emotions, you can prevent burnout and ensure that you are taking care of yourself.
2. Set Clear and Compassionate Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, especially for those who may have been taught to prioritize others over themselves. However, it is important to remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness. Healthy boundaries are about being honest with yourself and others about what you are and are not willing to do.
Some examples of setting boundaries in family situations include:
- Saying no to events or obligations that you know will overwhelm you, even if others may feel disappointed.
- Establishing physical boundaries, such as asking for personal space or limiting contact with family members who may be triggering.
- Communicating your emotional limits, such as telling a family member that you cannot engage in a difficult conversation at the moment.
It is important to remember that setting boundaries does not mean cutting off family members or refusing to help when necessary. Boundaries are about ensuring that you can continue to show up for others without sacrificing your own well-being.
3. Use Assertive Communication
One of the challenges trauma survivors face is communicating their needs effectively. Trauma can often leave individuals feeling voiceless or powerless, especially in family situations where dynamics are complex.
Assertive communication is key to setting and maintaining boundaries. This means expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, respectful way, without being passive or aggressive. You can use “I” statements to communicate your feelings in a non-judgmental way that can be heard by the other individual. For example:
- Instead of: “You’re always asking too much of me!”
- Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need some time for myself.”
Assertive communication ensures that your boundaries are respected and that you do not feel guilty or overburdened by family obligations.
4. Practice Self-Care
Self-care is essential when balancing family obligations and boundaries. When you are caring for others, it is easy to neglect your own needs. However, taking care of yourself allows you to show up for your family in a healthier, more sustainable way.
Some self-care practices that can help you maintain balance include:
- Physical self-care: Exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and relaxation techniques.
- Emotional self-care: Journaling, meditation, or talking to a therapist or support group.
- Mental self-care: Engaging in hobbies or activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Remember, self-care is not being selfish —it is a necessary part of maintaining your well-being so that you can fulfill family obligations without losing yourself in the process. This will keep your cup full.
5. Create a Support System
Building a support system outside of your family can be incredibly helpful when navigating difficult family dynamics. This support system may include close friends, a therapist, or a support group. Having people who understand your experiences through empathy and validation can help you feel less isolated.
A therapist, especially one trained in trauma, can provide guidance and support as you learn to set boundaries and navigate family relationships. A therapist can also help you process any feelings of guilt or shame that may arise when you set limits with family members so that they do not interfere with your interpersonal effectiveness.
6. Practice Distress Tolerance When Necessary
Sometimes, family dynamics can trigger strong emotional responses, especially for trauma survivors. If a family member’s actions or words trigger a trauma response, it can be helpful to practice distress tolerance. This doesn’t mean shutting down emotionally, but rather compassionately coping with your emotions as they arise.
Some techniques for distress tolerance include:
- Mindfulness practices to stay grounded in the present moment.
- Breathing exercises to calm your nervous system.
- Self-soothe with the five senses to soothe intense emotions as they increase.
Distress tolerance can help you respond to family dynamics in a way that is intentional, without making the situation worse or increasing self-judgments.
7. Know When to Seek Professional Help
There may be times when family obligations or dynamics become overwhelming, and it is difficult to maintain boundaries on your own. If you are struggling to balance family obligations with your own well-being, seeking professional help from a trauma therapist can provide the support you need.
Therapists can help you understand the root of your trauma responses, assist in building coping skills, and provide guidance on how to navigate complex family situations. Therapy can also provide a safe space to process any emotions that arise when dealing with family dynamics and receive validation.
8. Embrace Imperfection
It is important to embrace the fact that balancing family obligations and boundaries will not always be perfect. Remind yourself you are human! There will be times when you overextend yourself, times when family members may not respect your boundaries, and times when you may feel overwhelmed.
The goal is not perfection but progress. Acknowledge the efforts you are making to set healthy boundaries and be compassionate with yourself when things don’t go as planned. Healing is a journey, and it takes time to find the balance that works for you.
Prioritizing Your Well-Being During the Holidays
Navigating family obligations and personal boundaries can be particularly challenging, especially during the holidays. However, by setting clear and compassionate boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support when needed with DBT of South Jersey, it is possible to find a healthy balance. Remember that your needs are valid, and taking care of yourself is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with others.
Reclaim Your Peace This Holiday Season With Trauma Therapy in South Jersey
You don’t have to navigate the challenges of family dynamics and boundary-setting alone. Trauma therapy in South Jersey can help you build the confidence and skills to protect your well-being while maintaining meaningful connections. Create a more peaceful and fulfilling holiday season by prioritizing your mental health with the support of DBT of South Jersey. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
- Book a call to speak with our intake coordinator to see if trauma therapy is right for you.
- Meet with a skilled trauma therapist to help you.
- Start setting healthy boundaries this holiday season!
Additional Services Offered at DBT of South Jersey
At DBT of South Jersey, we offer a wide range of therapeutic services to support your mental health journey. Specializing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we help individuals manage intense emotions, build healthy relationships, and develop effective coping strategies. In addition to DBT, we provide individual counseling, therapy for teens and children, therapy for OCD and anxiety, therapy for anxiety, sadness, and self-doubt, as well as couples and family therapy. We are also proud to offer LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy, veterans services, holistic healing, Reiki, and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) to help clients heal from trauma and emotional distress. Whether you’re navigating personal challenges or looking to enhance your well-being, our compassionate team of therapists is here to help you create the life you deserve.
