Avoid Avoiding: Small Steps Toward Change That Lasts

Avoidance is one of the most human coping strategies there is. When something feels painful, scary, or exhausting, it makes sense to want to pull away from it. Ignoring the email, postponing the conversation, distracting from uncomfortable feelings, or staying “busy” instead of checking in with yourself can all feel like short-term relief. Over time, though, avoidance quietly builds a life that feels smaller, more stressful, and less aligned with what matters to you.

DBT offers a compassionate alternative: instead of shaming yourself for avoiding, you gently “avoid avoiding.” That means taking small, intentional steps toward the things that are important, even when they feel uncomfortable. It is not about forcing yourself into overwhelming situations. It is about turning toward what matters in doable ways, so your life grows bigger instead of smaller.

What Avoidance Looks Like In Real Life

Avoidance can be obvious, like skipping an appointment, or very subtle, like joking your way out of a serious moment. It can show up emotionally, behaviorally, and in relationships.

Some common examples include:

• Emotional avoidance

  • Numbing with endless scrolling, substance use, or overscheduling

  • Refusing to think about painful memories or future decisions

  • Quickly changing the subject in your own mind when sadness or anxiety appears

• Behavioral avoidance

  • Putting off tasks that feel overwhelming, like bills, schoolwork, or health appointments

  • Staying away from places or activities you actually care about because they trigger anxiety

  • Avoiding new opportunities out of fear of failure or judgment

• Relational avoidance

  • Not bringing up an issue because you want to “keep the peace”

  • Withdrawing or going silent instead of saying, “That hurt my feelings”

  • Dodging connection by always being “busy” or not responding to messages

None of this makes you weak or flawed. These patterns usually develop to protect you from pain. DBT meets you there, with curiosity and kindness, then invites you to explore what becomes possible when you slowly turn toward life rather than away from it.

Why Avoiding Feels Good Now But Hurts Later

Avoidance works in the short term. The second you hit “later” on that email or skip the hard conversation, you might feel your body relax. The problem is that the problem does not go away. Anxiety often grows in the background, and your confidence in your ability to cope may shrink.

Over time, avoidance can lead to:

• More anxiety about the very things you are avoiding

• Increased shame and self-criticism

• Missed opportunities for growth, connection, and joy

• A sense that life is happening to you instead of with you

DBT’s approach is not “just face it.” It is to break things into small, manageable steps and support you as you build the muscles of gentle exposure, mindful engagement, and values-based action.

“Avoid Avoiding”: A DBT-Inspired First Step

“Avoid avoiding” is a simple phrase that captures a powerful shift. Instead of focusing on doing everything differently all at once, you choose one small instance in which you will not avoid. You might:

• Open one email you have been putting off

• Spend one minute noticing a feeling you normally distract from

• Share one honest sentence in a conversation where you would usually stay silent

The point is not intensity. It is intention. You decide ahead of time, “When this situation comes up, I will stay with it a bit longer than usual,” or “I will take one small step toward it instead of away.”

Practical DBT Tools To Turn Toward What Matters

Several DBT skills can support you in “avoiding avoidance” without overwhelming yourself.

Mindful Engagement: Staying Present For Just A Bit Longer

Mindfulness in DBT means paying attention on purpose, in the current moment, without judgment. When you are used to avoiding, even a small dose of mindful engagement can be a big change.

You might try:

• Setting a timer for 2 or 3 minutes to focus on the task you are avoiding, like opening mail or starting a form

• Noticing your physical sensations and thoughts as you begin, then gently returning your focus to the next small step

• Reminding yourself, “I only have to do this for a few minutes right now”

Over time, your brain learns that you can feel discomfort and still be okay. The urge to escape may soften.

Gentle Exposure: Tiny Steps, Not Giant Leaps

Exposure means gradually moving closer to the situations, feelings, or actions you tend to avoid, in a safe and planned way. DBT emphasizes starting small and going slowly.

Examples:

• Emotional exposure

  • Choose a song, photo, or memory that brings up mild sadness or anxiety. Allow yourself to stay with it for a short time while using grounding skills like deep breathing or holding a comforting object.

  • Notice that you can feel the feeling and survive it.

• Behavioral exposure

  • Break a big task into tiny steps. For example, instead of “deal with my finances,” step one might be “log into the account,” step two “look at the balance,” and step three “write down one thing I could do next.”

  • Celebrate completing each tiny step, even if you stop there for the day.

• Relational exposure

  • Rather than having a huge, intense conversation, start with one vulnerable statement like, “I feel nervous bringing this up,” or “There is something on my mind I would like to talk about.”

  • Allow yourself to be seen just a little more than usual.

Gentle exposure lets your nervous system build tolerance without flooding you.

Wise Mind: Choosing What Matters Most

Wise Mind in DBT is the place where emotion and reason meet. When avoidance urges show up strongly, Wise Mind can help you decide where to lean in and where to give yourself grace.

You might pause and ask:

• “What is my Emotion Mind saying right now?” (for example: “Run, this is too much,” or “I cannot handle this”)

• “What is my Reasonable Mind saying?” (for example: “This email will not disappear,” or “I care about this relationship”)

• “What would Wise Mind say is one small action that honors both my feelings and my long-term values?”

Sometimes Wise Mind will say, “Rest now, return to this later with support.” Other times it will say, “This is uncomfortable and important. Let us take one step.”

Opposite Action: Moving Toward Instead Of Away

Opposite Action is a DBT skill used when an emotion is not fully justified by the facts or when its urges would make life smaller. When anxiety is urging you to avoid something that aligns with your values, Opposite Action might mean gently going toward that situation instead.

Examples:

• Anxiety says, “Do not go to the gathering.” Opposite Action might be going for 20 minutes instead of the whole time, and giving yourself permission to leave after that.

• Guilt says, “You messed up, avoid that person.” Opposite Action might be sending a short, sincere message to repair or acknowledge what happened.

Opposite Action is not about forcing yourself into unsafe situations. It is about recognizing when avoidance is running the show and choosing a different, more life-giving response.

DBT Skill In Action: A Brief “Avoid Avoiding” Plan

Here is a simple worksheet-style reflection you can use.

1. Identify one area where you are avoiding

   • Emotional: “I avoid thinking about my grief.”

   • Behavioral: “I avoid opening my mail.”

   • Relational: “I avoid telling my partner when I am hurt.”

2. Name why it matters to turn toward this

   • “Opening my mail helps me feel more in control of my life.”

   • “Talking about my feelings could make my relationship more real and safe.”

3. Choose one tiny step

   • Emotional: Spend 2 minutes noticing the feeling and writing one sentence about it.

   • Behavioral: Open one envelope or email.

   • Relational: Say one honest sentence, such as “I felt sad when that happened.”

4. Add a support skill

   • Have a comforting object nearby.

   • Practice 3 slow breaths beforehand.

   • Plan something soothing afterward, like a warm drink, soft blanket, or brief walk.

5. Reflect without judgment

   • What did you notice?

   • What was harder or easier than you expected?

   • What is one kind thing you can say to yourself about trying?

You can repeat this process with the same situation or new ones, always keeping steps small enough that they feel challenging but doable.

Moving From Avoidance Toward A Life You Want

Avoidance is often about protection. It shows that some part of you is trying to keep you safe. DBT does not ask you to throw that protection away. It asks you to update it, so that safety does not require shrinking your life.

Each time you “avoid avoiding,” even a little, you strengthen your belief that you can handle more than your fear tells you. You make room for opportunities, relationships, and experiences that align with your values. Over time, this is how long-lasting change is built: not by forcing yourself into big leaps, but by consistently turning a bit more toward what matters.